Thursday, January 3, 2013

I'm late for New Year.

With the end of the year, come the inevitable end-of-year blog posts. Yes, I'm a little behind but as long as it's done, right? As if my readers were anxiously waiting on this one blog post to get them through the rest of their first week of the year, right? Haha. :) The second Barrier was supposed to be out by now, too. Maybe the rest of the year won't find me struggling two steps behind.

This year, like the last few years, hasn't been bad but it hasn't been good either. I've been searching for a happiness that I've been unable to acquire and while I feel I'm closer now than I've ever been, I still have some inner searching left to do before I get there. For the purpose of the moment, I am happy. Cryptic? Perhaps.  Like any other normal person, I haven't gotten it all figured out yet and probably never will.

Over the last year, I've grown.  Last year, I thought nothing of airing frustrations and intimate details of my life on the internet. I also thought nothing of writing whatever crossed my fancy. I cared more about making what money I could without regard to who it might hurt along the way. Over the last several months, I'm a little more subdued in my writing. It's not because I'm censoring myself, I'm just trying to have a little more consideration.

My time is also very limited these days and I can't stop and dive into the businesses of those around me, no matter how much I think the public should know. The voters of Fyffe made it clear they didn't care what I thought and as a result, a good man lost his job and lively-hood. But I digress. I'm no longer living in Fyffe so I've been working to shift my focus from Fyffe. I still care, but I can't allow myself to become any further emotionally invested in the inner workings of the town, not when so much is going on with my personal life.

And that's what brings me to this reflection. I can't dive into the inner workings of what's going on in my life right now. I'm going through one of the hardest things I've ever been through but for the sake of friends and family, I will not write about it for the public to gape at. A year ago, I would have blogged about it and let my fingers run amok across the keyboard. Not any longer. And that's a good thing, I think.

In any case, I'm not sad, I'm not depressed, I'm not so busy that I don't stop and enjoy what I have every so often. I have my kids and my writing and that is happiness in its own way. I will not make resolutions. I think if you have to wait until the new year to make and follow through with resolutions, it is bound for failure. Instead, make resolutions year round. If you want something, strive for it no matter what time of year it is.  And as a personal message to a certain someone should they choose to read this, don't rely on others to define your happiness, go for it on your own. That is an awfully heavy burden for other people, big or small, to have.

My goal for the upcoming year is to simply push forward. I'll be starting another school next fall. I'll be releasing another novel this year. I'll be celebrating the arrival of new family members, namely my first great-nephew that I'm looking very forward to meeting! I'll rejoice that I've made it to 35 without any major catastrophes. The only thing I'll actually hope for (as opposed to "making it so") is to be in less pain in 2013.

In any case, I'll leave you with a poem I wrote for NewYear's last year; it remains one of my favorites. To each of you, Happy New Year. Be blessed, be kind, and be happy.

Peace, love, and pushing forward,


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