It's been awhile since I've posted here or even on Facebook or Twitter. The only thing I've done online is keep my long term clients updated to when I might be able to return to work.
It's been less than two weeks since my back surgery and I must say, I wasn't at all prepared for the reality of it. I read the material, I did my own research as well, but none of it prepared me for the physical and emotional pain. A lot of people made it seem like it wasn't a big deal. This was a same-day procedure and the effects would be immediate. My brother-in-law had the same surgery, according to my sister, and he was up and about in 3 days. So does that mean I'm some sort of wimp? Or does it mean that my surgery wasn't successful? Because at this point, I'm still feeling some of the same sort of horrible pain from my spine to my hip. I'm also having some numbness in my left foot. I have trouble getting up and down; getting in and out of my bed or even sleeping in my bed is out of the question. I have to sleep belly down on the couch with pillows propping up my midsection to ease the discomfort and pain.
And then the best part of all, my husband has had to take off work to care for our children (and me half the time). I can't give them a bath, I can't tuck them into bed. And he's been doing the best he can with the house but it looks awful and there's not much I can do about it. I can't work because I can't sit in my computer chair for more than 5 minutes without hurting. I can't bend or stretch or twist. I'm just... well... here. Taking up space.
I'm emotionally exhausted and I'm tired of doing nothing. I walk around but that's about all I can do. I think what is driving me crazy the most is that I have no idea if this surgery worked or not. I was told that I'd be pain free but right now, I just can't see an end to the pain. I can completely understand now how people with constant, never ending pain contemplate suicide. I'm not there myself; just saying that I understand that mindset now.
And writing... oh my lord. This is probably the longest stretch of non-writing that I've had in over 2 years. I'm writing this post laying belly down on the couch and my arms are now aching so bad that I'm going to have to stop. So I'll sign off with apologies for my whining.
Peace, love, and prayers,