Three years ago, my husband and I separated. Up until that point, and even some thereafter, I was sure that he and I as a unit wouldn't last. I've always loved him, yes, but sometimes love isn't enough; I don't have to tell realistic people this, though.
To be honest, I still don't know if we'll make it. I promised forever and I will do my best to hold on to that, but no one knows the future. Life always changes. Life is imperfect. Love and marriage are also imperfect, and that's okay.
It took a long while for this concept to grow and develop for me. We learn starting in childhood that there is a definitive line between black and white, right and wrong, and that if you believe in something, you have to believe in it ALL THE WAY, never leaving any give for that certain imperfection or for indefinite differing situations. We want to believe that there are easy answers to life and that answers to some of the same questions can't change over time. Realistically, life just is though, and we can kill ourselves trying to figure everything out. We can also kill ourselves constantly searching for that unchanging bliss and perfection that we're sure is around the next corner, but it doesn't happen that way.
In a way, I know this sounds clinical and unfeeling. It really isn't. :) Life just is, though. Nothing is certain and nothing is forever. Things and people grow, though, and that is just as important as the realization that happiness is not something you can just grab and hold hostage in your hand forever.
For the most part, life is wonderful. Eddie and I have our spats and disagreements as we probably always will. We haven't always liked each other or ourselves either. However, when I stopped worrying about the intensity of the marriage, mutual feelings, and began to plow forward to try to make the best life for our children, us, and yes, even myself, I began to understand that life just is. This concept has been the best thing that has ever happened to us as a couple.
I am so thankful for him. He is a great husband, father, and friend. I thank God for not only bringing him into my life but also for giving me the ability to see that life just is so I can enjoy my marriage and kids without trying to shove life into some exquisite little box.
Ten years we've been married. I'm not going to bull**** anyone by saying that those years have gone by quickly and we are just as in love as the day we married... blah, blah, blah. I can say that while I may not love him more than I did then, I definitely love him deeper and wider and stronger than I could have ever imagined. And no, some of those years did not go by quickly, LOL. I wouldn't relive them, but I wouldn't trade them either.
Happy Anniversary, honey. I appreciate you and love you more than I can express.
Peace, love, and life,
Pamela
