Never thought I'd compare writing to weed eating.

I want to reveal a secret. I haven't wanted to write much lately.

I'm close to the end of the rough draft of Barrier. Although the story hasn't lost its appeal to me, I still sometimes find it a struggle to maintain my writing schedule; to utilize at least an hour after the kids are in bed to tap away at the story.

I've had quite a bit going on lately. I'm changing careers soon as I slowly phase out journalism for a degree in education. (None of which, by the way, will ever keep me away from writing fiction.) I've had back problems which I'm going in for surgery next week. I had to take my 5 year-old to the emergency room late Tuesday night and he was diagnosed with what I refer to as "walking" pneumonia. This means that they found a bit of pneumonia in one lung but it wasn't bad enough to admit him. Instead, I'm treating him at home with antibiotics and cartoons. (I've also discovered that no matter how sick one or both of my children are, they will still find a reason to pick on and/or yell at each other.) My 3 year-old has been battling a pesky cough as well so when I take my older son to follow-up with his pediatrician today, the doc will take a look at him, too.

In any case, I've been very tired lately and most nights, I've really had to force myself to write. What I find usually happens, though, is I'll reluctantly start writing and I can usually get going pretty good after a few minutes. I'll find that sweet spot, the kind of writing zone where you're really deep into your own head, watching the story play out in your mind as if you were really there.

I wanted to mention this for one reason only. I know a lot of writers struggle to find the energy to get those words down. But sometimes it's like a weed eater engine. Pulling the string to get the engine started is the hard part but once it gets started, the engine runs pretty good on its own. All you have to do is just find the will to pull that string. The rest will come out pretty easily.

Hope everyone is having a blessed week.

Peace, love, and weed eating,

Pamela

Opting for surgery.

Other than a slight discussion about the difference between a ruptured disc and a herniated disc, which is actually the same thing, the course has been laid out.  I'll be heading into surgery next Wednesday so the surgeon can cut out the portion of the disc that is pressing against the root nerve.  He assures me that it sounds worse than it actually is.  It's not like I'm having a fusion or anything terribly invasive. I will, though,  have to have some recovery time and will have to avoid sudden movements and avoid lifting but once I've recovered, I should pretty much be able to get back to my normal life.

Surgery wasn't my only choice.  I was given some options.  I could do physical therapy or do "blocks", but ultimately, there was more of a chance that I would just be wasting my time. The herniation wasn't going to magically move.  I simply just want the most definitive course of action and this seems to be it. So I'm bypassing all those things that may or may not work or help and going straight for the option that will free that root nerve.

In any case, I'm happy to have a husband that is taking off work to care for me and the kids and maybe (BIG maybe) be able to get him to pick up a vacuum cleaner and actually use it while I'm recovering. 

As an aside, one of the nurses said, "No wonder it's gotten worse!" when I told her about my long struggle trying to get a doctor to listen to me when I said it was something more serious than muscle strain.  Yeah, I'm not going to get over that anytime soon.

Please keep me in your prayers and thoughts as I go under next week.  Thank you.

Peace, love, and pain relief,

Pamela

Pain in my Backside Revealed!

I finally have a diagnosis! Not that I'm excited about the actual diagnosis, I'm just finally relieved to have an answer to something that has been plaguing me for a long time.

The MRI showed mild fluid loss and a slight tear in the disc between L4 and L5 - that's in the lower part of my spinal column. But that one, while it causes some pain, isn't the worst of it. It's the ruptured disc between L5 and S1 near the tail end of my spine that is the main pain in my arse (yes, literally). The MRI shows that it is the rupture that is pressing against what they call a root nerve on my spinal column. It's why I can't bend or stoop without being in excruciating pain.

(This isn't MY MRI but an image I found that illustrates what a herniated disc between L5 and S1 looks like.

Usually disc problems come as a natural result of aging but I'm still in my early 30's so that doesn't much apply to me. There must have been an injury some time, somehow, but I can't really pinpoint what could have caused it. I just remember having to crawl across the floor of my house when I was pregnant with my youngest (about 3 or so years ago) because the pain was so horrible I couldn't walk. I remembered thinking that I might not make it through that pregnancy because I was in so much pain.

What upsets me most about it now is that I've seen 3 doctors (including my current doctor), a chiropractor, and a nurse practitioner over the past three years and not a single one of them wanted to hear that I didn't think it was a muscle strain like they said. None of them thought I knew my own body enough to know the difference between a simple muscle strain and something more serious.

Don't get me wrong. I get it. I get that when you see people over and over, people who are carrying extra weight and they say, "My back hurts," most of the time it really is a simple muscle strain. And then doctors have to contend with those who come in with complaints of back pain who are only in there for narcotic pain medication. (Which, I want to add, I haven't taken anything like that for my pain, even though my doc has since offered it. I've been very tempted, though, especially on these painful sleepless nights, but have so far been able to resist.) But as much as I understand those things, I wonder at what point I should be pissed.

They will probably try to tell me that nothing could have prevented this from getting as bad as it has but because no one ever wants to admit liability (even though I have no intention of suing anyone over this), there will never be a time when I believe that. I've been doing a lot of reading and research since my back pain diagnosis and what I discovered was that a mild herniated disc can actually heal itself over time. But there's certain things that I shouldn't have been doing. For instance, the exercises that I've pushed myself through despite the pain because it was supposed to help me strengthen those muscles that I supposedly had strained. For instance, all the jogging and running I've done, again despite the pain, because it was supposed to be good for me. Exercising by itself isn't bad. In fact, I can and should continue my walking regimen and the elliptical in moderate doses isn't bad either. But I have to wonder how much of this pain and injury I could have avoided if I'd been properly diagnosed when I first went in with back pain complaints or how much I could have avoided if they'd actually HEARD me when I said I didn't think it was muscle strain.

I can actually be pissed all I want but none of it will do me any good now. I have to figure out what the best course of action will be. My doc has already referred me to a neurosurgeon and I will drive 2 to 3 hours Monday to go see him.

Opinions are like...

Yeah, and everyone has one, even when it comes to something like back pain. I talk to one person who knows someone who knows someone who has had multiple surgeries on their back and they are still dealing with pain, albeit a different kind of pain from what they originally went into surgery for. I talk to another person whose daughter-in-law's stepmom's aunt had surgery and has been just fine ever since. And others, when you say that you have a herniated disc, they look at you funny as if you're making a huge deal out of having just pricked your finger with a thumbtack. "Oh, well, you really DON'T want surgery for that," as if my pain is so miniscule that I can just go on pretending like nothing is wrong. And yet other times I feel like I did when talking to the doctors, like no one believed that I was in actual debilitating pain.

I'm trying to not let any of those things deter me from my own research and from any preconceived notions before I talk to the expert. Ultimately, this is a decision that I will have to make myself.  And I will make it as an informed and educated individual and not based on hearsay.

I will keep y'all updated.

Peace, love, and wellness,

Pamela